Kelly Sorah September 11, at 4: My brother overdosed two months ago and my mom took it really hard. She was an alcoholic and had a long history of childhood pain she never dealt with.
August 26, at 3: There is a gap of ten plus years between when he states he played the field and found much as I had that many partners were not very skilled even if physically good looking and that those who were more satisfying usually had a level of empathic sensing that was not only physical but emotional and intellectual.
He had more or less settled for his second wife due to having low expectations of marital bliss. They were good enough companions and the sex was good enough. Things got stale after 12 years, but it was not terrible.
She had PTSD from her childhood. Her mother had left when she was five and her father was distant. When she was 13 she started babysitting for a couple and the husband groomed her to become his sex toy.
And she had not gotten counseling for the original predation, nor the affair. She is on antidepressants and appears to have full-fledged depression with periods of psychomotor retardation where she feels frozen. I have been there with grief and can sympathize without condoning what she did.
Therapy may help her heal, yet can not guarantee she will never stray again. So as is, divorce would be financially a heavy blow. And trying to live together without healing between them is something he can no longer tolerate.
Reconciliation, if possible, is in his highest interest and something I told him he should try for. There are three possible outcomes. True reconciliation with counseling where both are healed enough that their marriage is better than ever.
Or divorce and take the financial hit, facing retirement alone and as we age that is a bigger issue, and keep working. A no brainer that the first is the most desirable path.
As much as I care for him and have a gut hunch we would have a good chance of a great long lasting relationship, that is speculation and even if they do divorce, he would need to keep working making finding out if we could work very difficult with the distance involved. How could I do anything except recommend trying to reconcile?
They have started counseling individually and joint sessions will start soon. He is starting to realize how much her early abuse could have affected her and have been compartmentalized and burdening her.
Yet the collateral damage to him is such that he does not have any idea now if he would ever feel he could fully trust her again. He does wish that whatever happens, reconciliation or parting ways, that she gets the help she needs to heal and find happiness, peace and stability.
He and I know that within a short time, we will have to cease contact if there is to be any chance of reconciliation.
It is unknown when he might move back in with her. If they part, it must not be due to me. At this time, he is unsure if she has been in contact with her affair partner again. Being separated, he has concerns that this man is a predator who has beguiled her but it would not be the same sort of betrayal.
He would prefer that she was seeing someone else as that predator had done some dastardly things to him, including threatening his job as well as a frivolous lawsuit.
These are things she knew about and part of what made the second betrayal so hurtful. She threw him under the bus. At this point, they have agreed to counseling and that if by the end of the year there has not been significant progress to reconciliation, parting ways as peacefully as possible for tax reasons.
So, did he and I have an affair? Separated, but not divorced, although it appeared inevitable when we met.After being taken down twice by Blogger within a single week, we got the message: It’s Time To Go.
Gates of Vienna has moved to a new address. I have just come across clarification on a statistic I cited in “Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed? ” In that post I stated that 25% of relationships that start as affairs .
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